Quote Of The Day
As all the married men began waxing about how oral and other special sexual acts have either significantly dropped in their occurrence or disappeared altogether from their relationships, Danny revealed a half-ingenious plan to keep his next recruited gold digger working hard for the money.

"For any of you new contenders out there, THAT'S going in the prenup... you start checking any of the sex acts we used to do off your list, whatever it was I was GOING to give you will go down twenty-five percent."


Hmm. Didn't have time to re-listen yesterday, since nothing caught my ear the first time around as a short lil' quotable. If I did it all again however I would go back to where they were goofing on clips of the meeting of the great minds, where Paris Hilton was telling Larry King to feel her pain because she has A.D.D. Larry then referred to the disorder a couple times subsequently as "A.D.T."

When Adam launched into his gravelly voiced Larry King impersonation after the clip ended, he instead called it "B.F.D."


Today's Selected Audio:
[1] Containers And Special Glasses-- Adam rants about a time long ago when everybody would go crazy collecting those special giveaway drinking glasses, and just about every establishment in America was using them as their primary promotional tool. Sarah Silverman crank yanks to kick the segment off.
[2] What Can't Adam Complain About And Justin Long-- The Mac guy and star of Live Free Or Die Hard calls in for an interview in the middle of the bit and... stumps the Aceman? I think he threw the fight myself.
[3] Comedian Robert Schimmel-- The comic great visits and won't leave, parts 1 and 2.
[4] Hey Paula-- An analysis and breakdown of Paula Abdul's new reality show.
[5] Crank Yankers-- Patton Oswalt and Jimmy Kimmel moonlight as the wacky DJ team "Boomer And The Nuge".

Paris-mania!

[1] Sex With Strangers-- Why sex with strangers is so awesome. Segues into the beginning of the breakdown of Paris Hilton's much anticipated Larry King interview last night.
[2] Danny Will Save Her-- After declaring he believes he can help the heiress, Danny heads off on his Harley to do a live remote from the Hilton estate where Paris and a throng of reporters are supposed to be, only to find...nothing? In the meantime Adam and Teresa talk to a lesbo on the phone who impresses them greatly.
[3] More Paris And More Lesbo Holly-- And Danny getting pulled over by a cop with some rage over Carolla's chicken S ticket rants.
[4] Hot Dog Champ Joey Chestnut-- Talks some smack about Kobayashi.
[5] Vince Neil-- Motley Crue's lead singer drops by to promote a bunch of stuff.

Quote Of The Day
During the news segment Adam said he might be seeing the new Die Hard movie with esteemed ESPN online sportswriter Bill Simmons. Since Danny knows nothing about sports, Teresa and Adam explained who he is and how every hetero man in America reads his column. A tad perturbed Danny then began taking an in-house poll of the men in the studio to see if this is true. The spotlight eventually fell on gay Pre Op Board Op Bill, followed by Adam's loving hammer.

"He worships RICHARD Simmons."


Today's Selected Audio:
[1] Angel Adam, Devil Danny-- Been awhile.

[2] Manson Prosecutor Vincent Bugliosi-- Author of the 1600 page Reclaiming History phones in to say why it's insane to believe no one besides Lee Harvey Oswald killed JFK.

[3] Conspiracy Theories-- Callers phone in to discuss conspiracy theories they believe or don't believe. The first 9/11 believer manages to render himself a buffoon in about the first two seconds. The second goes the opposite route.

[4] Wasteful People-- Adam launches into a rant about the problems of energy conservation.

[5] Huell Houser-- In this gripping episode pulled for analysis, Huell chats it up with a shoeshiner. Parts 1 and 2.

[6] Richard Lewis-- Mr. Happy phones in and talks a little Curb Your Enthusiasm.

[7] 911 Is A Joke (For White People Too)-- Danny had to place a call to emergency yesterday and was surprised at how it was treated.

[8] News Segment 1 Part 2-- Begins with a Crank Yankers call starring elderly curmudgeon Elmer.

Quote Of The Day
Adam began the day by telling everybody he has to lose some pounds put on during his European jaunt for an upcoming photo shoot. And oh yeah, if anyone wants it, for some reason there's a pie in the station's fridge.

"If I was outdoors when I announced I was on a diet, I would be crushed by a canned ham."


Today's Selected Audio:
[1] Diet Sabatoge-- Adam's mastered The Secret, in reverse. Also some good chat on parenting, steparenting, and child care. Don't ask me where the segue was.
[2] Character Development-- Adam puts his guru hat on.
[3] Deal Breakers-- Callers call in to share wacky stories about things that made them strongly reconsider why they were in a relationship with their significant other.
[4] Rich Man, Poor Man-- Not my favorite bit, but even I must admit there are some startling similarities between the lifestyles of the very rich and very poor. Parts 1 and 2.

Quote Of The Day: Methalicious
During the first news segment Teresa brought up an interview with Fergie running this month in Self magazine in which she talks about her meth addiction, how she loved the stuff until it made her "talk to her laundry basket for eight hours". Danny remarked that it was probably difficult for Fergie to keep up during that conversation. Adam concurred.

"When you say 'touche' to your laundry hamper, that's a bad sign intellectually."


Today's Selected Audio:
[1] Jimmy Kimmel Lives-- in the bonus section of the 2nd news segment, Jimmy Kimmel calls in to discuss his emergency appendectomy last week.
[2] Adam's European Vacation-- Why Mr. All-American now wishes he was Eurotrash.
[3] Ozzie And Ray Review Fantastic Four 2
[4] Ice Road Trucker TJ Wilcox-- Interview with one of the stars of the History Channel series, who haul stuff in their 18 wheelers... across frozen bodies of water.

Well, the show is on its two-week summer break.

I might post stuff that strikes me, I'm not sure. I'm going to be focusing on other things during their vacation though. Which is only partly due to my fondness of Best Ofs.

Because of changing circumstances I don't know if I'll be able to listen to the show much anymore in the near future. Alas, this blog might not be allowed to continue. I hold out some hope it will not die, but I'm not exactly betting that way.

Time will tell.

Quote Of The Day
A caller told the tale of his crazy bother's foray into Primal Scream therapy. He built his own screaming room, and the caller said when he visited the guy's living room it was loaded with hippies and spiritbirds and such waiting to use it.

"I would love to go in there and just start yelling, 'GOAL'...'THE YANKEES WIN THE PENNANT, THE YANKEES WIN THE PENNANT!!!!!!!'"

Today's Selected Audio:
[1] Crazy Self-Help Groups-- Danny tells a good story about his forced journey into Life Spring, among other highlights.
[2] News Segment 2-- Begins with a Crank Yankers call with Special Ed.
[3] Joel McHale-- He's brought his weekly preview of Soup clips, Parts 1 and 2.
[4] Deal Or No Deal Chicks-- #24 Kelly and #8 Lauren stop by.
[5] Elite XC Fighter Frank Shamrock-- You can be adopted at 20?

No time for quotes today...

Today's Selected Audio:
[1] Movies With Bumps-- Callers phone in to say which films had some part in them that made them go WTF. The ending of The Silence Of The Lambs? Absolutely. The Godfather? Hmm...
[2] Adam's Review Of Ocean's Thirteen-- the segment that spawned #1. Why Adam and his wife had to evacuate the theater.

Quote Of The Day
A woman called in and said the woman she and her hubby have a polyamorous relationship with is part Chinese, part Mexican, part Hawaiian, and part black. Teresa and Danny oohed and ahhed at the spicey combo. Adam pooh poohed their excitement. "That's nothing by the way. Once you get over three things you're back to zero." He elaborated.

"You know those people who go, 'Well I'm Welsh, I got a little bit of Russian, I got a little bit of Italian... I'm 1/26th Cherokee, that's what gives me my tenacity'... First off, it's not called tenacity, it's called being the C-word. And then secondly, you can't be 128 things because then you're nothing. It's like if you have an ice cream that's 128 flavors, it's called milk, it's sweet. It's no longer rocky road or whatever it is."


Today's Selected Audio:
[1] Porn For Retards--Adam says the dumbing down of America has even effected our pornography, and I couldn't agree more. Jesus Christ.

[2] Roastmaster Jeff Ross-- Parts 1 and 2. He's hosting that Next Big Thing crap, which I want to take a gander at one of these days.

[3] Birchim's Home Improvement-- The second time Birchim's hosted this godawful bit, and I think it works much better now.

[4] The Olly Girls-- Interview with the chicks from that Sunset Tan show.

Quote Of The Day: The Second Worst Call A Parent Could Get
Poor Pre-op Board Op Bill...

"...whose Dad was not pleased when on National Coming Out Day we said you need to call your Dad and say you're gay, and he said, 'My Dad already knows I'm gay', and I said, 'Call him and tell him you're gayer.'"

I'm skipping now, Pa. Do you like my new lisp?


Stuff:

[1] Dana Gould-- the standup comedian and writer of The Simpsons chewed some fat. I prefer Part 2 but here's Part 1 as well.

[2] News Segment 1-- Begins with Adam musing about why it would be so much better if rabbits flew than birds.

[3] Crazy Hat-- Adam talks about how his brother-in-law is schizophrenic, and you wouldn't know it at all... except for the crazy hat he wears.

[4] Reverse Gaywalking-- Instead of having Board Op Bill quiz gay folk on straight guy knowledge, this time they flipped it. Woohoo, I totally failed!

[5] Ant-- The most flamboyant gay guy on television stops by to promote Last Comic Standing and Celebrity Fit Club.

[6] Teresa's New Dude-- Ant sticks around to listen to T's love life getting updated and discussed.

[7] Bonaduce vs. Shapiro Recap-- Danny beat that senior citizen good. Parts 1 and 2.

Quote Of The Day
Danny's got another boxing match tonight with 65 year-old former lawyer Robert Shapiro, most famous for becoming a national folk hero for his defense of O.J. Simpson.

During the weekend Danny saw Sylvester Stallone at a party. They got to talking, Danny told him he was nervous about the fight, that his only advantage is his punching power (Shapiro is in fantastic shape and boxes regularly), and he doesn't want to seriously injure a 65 year old man.

Stallone had no qualms, said he would hospitalize him without feeling bad in the slightest, and went on to describe how he should do it.

Danny: And I said, "So you'd do this to an 85 year old?" He goes (mimicking Stallone's punch-drunk retard voice), "I gotta tell ya, once this guy must've been 90 and he wouldn't lower his umbrella, so I couldn't see. So I told him to put down his umbrella. He wouldn't put down his umbrella, so I smacked him in the ear and closed the umbrella around his head. Must've been close to a 100 years old."
Adam (explaining to the audience): See, when it rains at a funeral... sometimes people have to open up an umbrella...

Maybe Stallone can get away with being so vicious towards the seniors since he's one now himself.


Happy Belated Birthday, T. Congratulations on turning 29 1/2!


Ooh, here's a short two-minute Adam rant about not being able to get out of his driveway. Trust me, you'll understand his pain.


Others:
[1] Stallone's Elderly Boxing Advice-- the full segment in all its unsympathetic glory. Great Adam observations about opposites attracting and co-existing towards the end.

[2] The Sopranos' Frank Vincent-- the last weekly appearance of Phil Leotardo to discuss the series' final episode.

[3] Tony Soprano Interview-- What a coup...

[4] Teresa's Birthday Date-- She's announced to the world that it was one of the best dates of her life. But she wants to stay level-headed now.

[5] Author Dan Clark-- Chicken Soup For The Soul self-help author comes in the studio, and Adam doesn't shoot him in the head.

Quote Of The Day
During a news story about law enforcement no longer being able to perform cavity searches in public, Teresa realized a brilliant new approach for public service announcements to take. Adam concurred.

"You know, that's a decent point... 'Just Say No', please...that's not going to get me to put down anything. But 'This Has Been Up Someone's Ass'? That's an effective campaign."

[1] Name That Nicauraguan Tune-- After Ozzie's rendition of Police songs is where it gets interesting to me. Adam goes into how horrible it was for him working on Loveline . Gee, my guess at the reason would've been all the moronic callers.

What Can't Adam Complan About-- Photosynthesis?? No problem.

Quote Of The Day
More like astute observation of the day: during his next-to-last postgame Monday morning interview with Frank Vincent, Adam may have struck on an important key to The Sopranos success: no commercials. He said something to the effect that maybe because viewers aren't subjected to a break in the action every ten minutes or so to watch a couple argue in Home Depot that maybe the illusion of reality is much more heightened.

I only caught the first two hours, but I think I caught the highlight:

God Is Not Great-- One of my favorite sourpuss intellectual guests on the talk circuit phones in to join forces with Adam in an atheist jammy jam, explaining why God sucks ass and why there is no afterlife.

Quote Of The Day
While Adam and Danny did a little exhibition sparring during his bachelor party, Survivor's "Eye Of The Tiger" from Rocky III played in the backround. As T did the color commentary for the club crowd she let them know she had "the eye of the cougar".

Heh. I hear a song parody coming on.

Danny ended up not doing the tranny, at least not during the show. Some sick part of me was a little disappointed. Call it my inner Stern fan I guess... while I was never a big fan of most of his over-the-top filthy hijinks, I guess I kind of miss em a bit.


Next week I don't believe I'm going to be here. We're disassembling my grandmother's apartment and we'll have early start times. I won't have access to the show mp3s, alas.

Might be a good thing. As you can imagine my heart isn't really into this at the moment and it probably shows.

Heck, I don't know if I'll even be back.