Quote Of The Day
Adam (to himself): Hold on...Mental note, do not praise yourself out loud... Hold on, mental note... learn how to do a mental note.

Guest: Adam Carolla
Adam played highlighted outtakes of his great interview on Stern he did when he was in New York. In Part 1 he discussed how he used his skills as a boxing trainer to break into radio via Jimmy Kimmel.

Howard: You mean after hanging out with Jimmy, you said, "Gee if he can do it, I can do it."
Adam: No no, I said if he can do it, ANYONE can do it.



Reccommended Daily Show Clips:
In the beginning of the second news segment Adam gets into another one of my pet peeves about movies set in the future.

Highlights And commentary about his Howard Stern interview, Part 1 and Part 2

Before the first news segment Adam dreams of being on the other side of the language barrier and why the grass is greener over there.

Alright, one highlight. From an interview that just didn't occur freakin days ago.

Jon Heder (Napoleon Dynomite) called in a couple weeks before Blades Of Glory was released. Adam remarked about meeting his brother backstage at Kimmel and how he seemed to be "disgruntled" with all of his sibling's success. They're twins.

Adam gave the jealous brother the key to heal his world:

"Look, if my sister was ten times more successful to me I'd be disgruntled... but if we were twins and she was ten times more successful than me I'd kill her and take her place."

To Best Of Or Not To Best Of
I decided not to blogaroo today, being that it was a "best of" show. To be honest hearing the promo that it was going to be all interviews turned me off. As a rule they're usually not my favorite segments.

Besides, "Best Of" material usually doesn't coincide with what I consider highlights anyway. Most of the time those shows have lineups like today's-- a focus on big names, big happenings on a show.

I usually prefer the little stories and details.

Today was the odd day anyway where I didn't have the usual morning free. I might do a "Best Of" Adam myself on repeats. Not sure.

Egh, I listened a little toward the show and Adam was still makin some good stuff.

Kimmelisms
Jimmy Kimmel guest hosted today while Adam was in New York. I decided I won't be sharing any highlights of the show. I like Jimmy, I thought he did a fine enough job, it just feels like I'd be cheating on my man. At least with this blog in such the early stages. Maybe next time.

Meanwhile Adam vs. Stern 2 was taking place in the ol' NYC, and according to many message boarders monstrous hilarity ensued. Here's my favorite part of the segment summary, complete with a Kimmel tie-in (Thanks to MarksFriggin.com):

Howard asked Adam if Danny has threatened to kick his ass and if he thinks he could beat him. Adam said he thinks that he could beat Danny. He said Danny can't lift his foot off the ground because he wears those skin-tight women's jeans with the cowboy boots. He said he has to carry Danny up the stairs every morning. Howard asked Adam if Jimmy Kimmel is still producing his show. Adam laughed and said that Jimmy gets paid a million bucks a year to insult him. He said his title should be ''Insultant'' and not Consultant.

Howard K. Stern vs. Larry Berkhead, No Holds Barred
As things kicked off Adam read off today's guest list: Ultimate Fighting Champion "Ice Man" Chuck Widdell, and the kid from Webster, the fully grown yet still midget-like Emmanuel Lewis. In a joke referring to his upcoming fight with 65 year old Robert Shapiro, Danny announced he was also going to take on Emmanuel in the Octagon.

A vision came to me, the next Big Idea for reality tv: Celebrity Ultimate Fighting.

Adam: Emmanuel's not here yet... oh he is here?
Danny: He just walked under the window, right there.
Teresa(disappointedly): Danny...
Adam: Well hold on a second, let's be fair... Danny doesn't get to make a whole lot of short jokes that don't have him as the punchline.


Guest: Emmanuel Lewis
While discussing greedy child star parentals--
Teresa: Emmanuel, you're still on good terms with your parents?
Emmanuel: Absolutely...(laughs) You say that as if you're not supposed to be on good terms...
Danny: We're supposed to be, but nobody is. Adam's were lazy, Mine beat me, Teresa's abandoned her...
Adam: To be fair to my parents, I'd like to think they would've beaten me if they weren't so apathetic about their kids. I think my dad would make the announcement once or twice a week, "I'M GONNA BEAT THE... eghhhhhhh...let's watch the rest of Maude."

As always Emmanuel furiously denied Michael Jackson attempted anything weird with him when they were close pals in the 80s.

Adam: Jimmy Kimmel told me he confronted his priest growing up... angry that he WASN'T molested. He wanted to know why... "Am I not hot enough???" "Am I not cute enough???"

He suggested Emmanuel do the same with Michael, you know, for closure's sake.


Side "Jobs"
News segment 1, the Alec Baldwin debacle was T's first story --

Teresa: Now Dr. Phil has commented, and he seems to be blaming...
Adam: That's my porn name by the way. I spell it differently.


More News Porn
In the second news segment of the day Teresa brought up an article about the most popular surnames in the world. The crew tried to guess #1 and kicked themselves when it was revealed: Wang. Looks like everyone's getting their morning shock jock licenses revoked.

Teresa: 93 million Wangs.
Adam: I rented that movie this weekend.

Nice save.

Show Clips: Hey, it's a Bonaduce haters' dream-- pictures of him getting punched in the head by Chuck Liddel!

Behind The Funny
Adam began the show talking about how he functions as a comedian, and in doing so wondrously illustrated the reasons why there is an unending fountain of funny that springs from him when compared to most others of his ilk. He said he's more of a comedic factory than a warehouse. "Warehouse" comedians take good notes and file away their material for storage; when they run out of space/determine their square footage is filled up, they usually get lazy, because their warehouse is stock full. Adam on the other hand has a factory mentality-- he just keeps pumping the junk out without any function within himself where to house the stuff. It surprised me that he doesn't write anything down.

Danny brought up King of the Roasts Jeff Ross, who was a guest last week, how at a show they did together this weekend he said he admired the bravery of Danny's total improv method.

Adam (condescendingly): "Warehouse" Ross?

He was kidding around, and admitted there are benefits to both. When you have a four hour radio show every day I don't see how you could ever keep a warehouse full.

Costco will be subbing for Adam while he's in New York.


Guest: Bill Goldberg
Wrestler Bill Goldberg phoned in. He said he had been up that morning dealing with his ten month old. Adam's twins are now ten months old as well.

Goldberg: Well then I'm not getting any sympathy from Mr. Carolla this morning I assume.
Adam: No you're not, but I throw money at the problem... I mean the kids. I got to stop referring to them as "the problem"...


Stay On The Red Bull
Inspired by the Alec Baldwin controversy the crew opened up the phones to hear from people who had been busted or had busted their significant other for cheating, who found out about it via 21st century gadgetry (cellphone, computer, etc.) Adam invited a woman with an unfaithful husband to come in and ride the wild, wild Bonaduce to even the score. She said no thanks. Adam tried to change her mind through tantilization.

Adam: Once you go red, you'd rather be dead...


The Eighth Circle Of Hell
After the Harvey Levin interview ended Adam explained why there is a table reserved in Hell for Joe Francis, the guy behind the Girls Gone Wild! empire. Adam said his reservation wasn't made because of that venture, but because of one of his earlier ones where he sold a compilation of news footage showing people getting killed.

The subject made Danny nervous.

Danny: I got a personal question for you then... we have all kind of agreed that I am going to Hell. But I'm not at THAT table, right?
Adam: No. You're under it.

Guest: Josh Blue
Josh Blue came into the studio, winner of the last Last Comic Standing, aka Screech with cerebral palsy. Adam lofted the idea of setting him up with Teresa. His reaction:

Josh: You know, with the one good hand I have I don't think I can dig through the wreckage.


Guest: Morgan Freeman
Morgan Freeman called in to promote his movie 10 Items Or Less being released on DVD today. At one point the year when Shawshank Redemption was released was called into play. Bald Brian contested Morgan that it was '94. Adam felt he must impart a nugget of his wisdom with the legend:

"Yeah, don't argue with a bald young guy. That means he was thinking so hard in junior high his hair fell out."


For Californians Only (Sort Of)
Adam played tapes of the latest exploits of Huell Howser, host of California Gold on PBS. It's a show about Huell's travels through the state, chock full of unbelievable, unfathomable boredom. Adam repeated his Howser Approach Carollaism:

"The only thing that ever hits the cutting room floor is the editor's feet."

Show Clips: Definitely the Huell Howser bit. Clearly this man must be stopped.

Smooth Operator
Since the bosses took a certain amount of risk hiring Danny because of his destructive tendencies, and with him now dealing with a divorce, Bonaduce is trying to put everyone in the company more at ease.

Danny: See this? That's that Anabuse pill so you can't drink. Teresa puts it in my mouth every single morning and watches me take it.
Adam: It says "Pez" on it.


An Eternally Elusive Creature
Teresa discussed her blind date, delighting us with chicken S reasons why she immediately rejected her latest potential suitor. Still she held onto her claim of being "ripe for the pickin'".

Adam: Low-hanging fruit, everybody! Hold on... that's the name of Bill's junk.


If The Show Is Ever Canceled, There's Always The New York PostAfter Frank Vincent's weekly Sopranos update, Teresa teased the news.

Teresa: Well you mentioned the Baldwins that wish they weren't spoken of, you may have been referring to Alec... well he has now responded to allegations about bad parenting based on that voicemail message...
Adam: ALEC-GATIONS!


Pick Your Poison
The topic of this Music Monday was the most annoying songs ever. On his list Danny had Four Non-Blondes' "What's Goin' On". Which Adam said sounds like "Don't Worry, Be Happy. He then sang the vocal melody to it over the Non-Blondes' verse and fit almost perfectly.

William Shatner guested in the middle and shared his #1, the Star Trek theme.


Guest: Jamie Kennedy
Jamie Kennedy was in studio to promote not only Kickin It Old School, but another project as well. A documentary called Heckler about, you guessed it. The movie will be debuting at the Tribeca Film Festival this Friday alongside Adam's new movie, The Hammer.

Adam: Would it be ironic if in the middle of The Heckler I stood up and yelled "This documentary sucks!"?


The segment began with Brian playing an excerpt from Jamie Kennedy's standup DVD where a lady interrupts his story about a waitress, informing him that "server" is the correct term. Adam gave voice to a HUGE PET PEEVE OF MINE...

Adam: Yeah, there's a lot of people who try to correct people through nomenclature. "We're not waitresses, we're SERVERS..." First off server sounds more degrading. You're my servant, my "server" rather than waitress?
Danny: A waitress brings you your food, a server peels your grapes and then feeds them to you.

The worst one around for me is midgets wanting to be called "little people". Saying someone's a little person sounds WAY more offensive to me. It's like you're looking at their physical size and making an assumption about the individual as a whole.

Egh, I''m sounding a little too P.C. myself. I vote for "vertically challenged". Or how about "Afro-American". Let's move on.

Imus's Shadow
Prisoner David called from the joint, giving everyone information on just what the hell it means to be in lockdown. Because he was, he said he had to use the "Puerto Rican phone". The crew noticed this when the recorded warning that makes sure the person on the other end knows the call is coming from a prison facility was in Spanish.

Adam: Alright Prisoner David, call us next week if you're not in fact in lockdown... and this time just for fun pick up the Chinese phone, or the Japanese phone... I want to hear all the different dialects and accents.
Danny: What happens if you pick up the Mexican phone?
(conversation continues, then after David hangs up..)

Adam: Yeah, I was going to make a bad joke about the Mexicans having their family in the joint anyway... it's more of an intercom than it is a phone... but that would be in poor taste and that's why I didn't do it.

Well played Ace!

Show Clips-- My Picks: Teresa's Blind Date is very funny, and the interview with Stone Cold Steve Austin (more specifically, towards the end when Adam makes his pitch for him to star in the movie he's currently got in development, Pedif-Isle).

From the Offical Adam Carolla Show Message Board, in a thread where longtime fans were discussing their favorite Carollamoments:

One of my favorite bits was from Loveline years ago when he was talking about Steve Irwin and his ilk. He said (in a slow voice) how "Crocodiles have existed for over a hundred millions years unchallenged and unmolested". Then screaming/laughing, "Bam! Suddenly guys in khaki oufits are jumping all over them." The crocodiles must be thinking "What the F is going on!". That's good stuff.

Post #1

So many laughs in the past year and change. For some reason this is the one that sticks out the most in my mind.

Adam: You're calling from Vegas? Well I hope you can come down next weekend while we're there so we can press the flesh.
Male Caller: Uh... what does that mean?
Adam (without the slightest pause): 69.