Today's Selected Audio:
[1] UFO Conspiracy Theorist John Greenwald Jr.-- Aliens!
[2] Hygiene Prep Time-- Rooming with Joel McHale this weekend caused the Aceman to ponder his own hygenic rituals.
[3] News Segment 1-- Adam's rant on Mexicans.
[4] Angel Adam, Devil Danny-- I think they took one complete call?
[5] Music Monday-- Songs you would most/least like to hear on the boy's car stereo who is picking up your daughter for her first date. Parts 1, 2, and 3.
[6] Dr. Alter-- Adam has had Botox? Prettyboy. A pre-op calls in, concerned her future vagina might close up if she doesn't use it.

Quote Of The Day
During the vibrator call-in segment, Teresa told the tale of an ex-boyfriend who was solely focused on getting a dildo rammed up his own keister. After she broke up with him she had to return his things that were in her apartment. She felt strange returning the dildo with all the other items, as if she was being passive-aggressive in doing so.

Adam: Either way, you putting it in a potato gun and firing it through his parents' living room window was, in hindsight being 20/20, probably a little bit passive-aggressive.


Today's Selected Audio:
[1] Vibrator Call In-- Adam remarked how there has been a major shift in women's attitude about vibrator ownership during the years, from total shame to complete openess. Danny's girlfriend calls in; she bought hers after comparison shopping in Consumer Reports.
[2] Irks And Quirks-- What little things irritate you?
[3] David Alan Grier-- Part 1, 2, and 3.

Quote Of The Day
Surprise, surprise. It comes from the Home Improvement segment. A caller seeked some advice involving a bathroom door with a hollow core.

"We have a lot of building codes... why not make a code that says bathrooms need the solid-core door? We were talking about how you're on that third date with that special someone, it's looking like it could go well, except for you guys had Mexican annnnnnnnd now you have a little nerve gas goin' because there's the anticipation of intimacy, and maybe you had a couple of glasses of wine, and it's time to use their bathroom in their very small one bedroom apartment where they pulled the carpet out last week and had the hardwood floors redone, so you have that nice two-inch gap beneath the bathroom door that was undercut to clear the carpet... AND it's a hollow-core door?? And you're sitting on the pot, you're running the shower AND the sink AND you're banging on the toilet lid with a wooden spoon just to try and drown out whatever's going on?

"Do you know that hollow-core doors going over tile floors actually AMPLIFIES sound? A fart that was formerly a four and a half is now a NINE. It's like somebody set up a rack of AMPS where the door was and just (makes massive explosion sound with his mouth)..."

Amen.


Today's Selected Audio:
[1] Ralphie May-- The fat guy from Last Comic Standing tells a good story about how he started his comedy career involving Sam Kenison.
[2] Terrence Howard-- Yeah, that actor who said that he dumps chicks if they don't use baby wipes.
[3] Rachel Dratch-- SNL chick I dig.
[4] Ranting On Rome-- Adam talks about how his substitute hosting went on Jim Rome's show. And Danny's late yet again.
[5] Ray-enactment

Quote Of The Day
Adam got somewhat controversial today when he said that he's surprised that there isn't MORE gay bashing than there is now. Because of how disgusting most men find the act of two guys doing each other to be. Read my mind.

Not that he endorses that kind of thing. He made sure that his views were made crystal clear on the subject:

"I'm open minded, but close behind-ed."


That slogan could probably get him elected anywhere. Except maybe San Francisco.


Today's Selected Audio:
[1] Gay Porn-- The full discussion here.
[2] Women And Gay Porn-- When Teresa said that one of her female friends favorite kind of porn is gay porn, Adam thought that was bizarre and strange. So he asked chicks to call in who shared that same love.
[3] Gaywalking-- What inspired those first two segments and got pushed back to the end of the show.
[4] Recap Of The Flava Flav Roast-- Down and dirty humor, in honor of America's favorite icon.
[5] Danny Late Again-- So Adam talks about his strange rich man problems. He has to take his dog to the dentist.
[6] Hanson-- Remember them?
[7] Jeff Lewis-- Star of the new real estate reality show, Flipping Out.

Quote Of The Day
A caller's vindictive ex-girlfriend was so livid she took a knife and STABBED his car.

"It breaks my heart when an American car gets stabbed, you know. Swedish car, no big deal, Japanese, German car...

"Don't stab one of those Mexican cars, like a Festiva. It'll come back at you."

Happy birthday, Red Bull. Keep getting better.


Today's Selected Audio:
[1] What Can't Adam Complain About?-- Not the best go-round, but always a whiny pleasure.
[2] At The Point Of Separation-- Inspired by Danny's ex-girlfriend's destroying his MySpace on the way out the door, calls are taken from people who have amazing tales of spurned exes going crazy. Parts 1 and 2.
[3] Music Monday-- Ringtones to be hella proud or embarrassed to put on your cellphone. Parts 1 and 2.
[4] Supergroupie Pamela Des Barres

Quote Of The Day

"Look, here's the deal: when you want something, you can get it. We always talk about drug addicts-- there's nothing more expensive than cocaine. Just dig this thought-- per ounce it's more than gold, it sure the hell is more than lobster... It's the most expensive weighted substance on the planet. And the POOREST people, the people with no job, whose family has disowned them years ago, are able to connect with the world's most expensive substance.

"Thus, when you want to do something, you will get it DONE."


Today's Selected Audio:
[1] Lisa Lampanelli And The News-- The Queen Of Mean sits in during the news segment.
[2] Cuba Gooding Jr. And Lisa Lampanelli
[3] On The Gay Side Of Life-- Adam believes that there's no way that 10% of the population is gay. I did too, sorta; I figure they're counting every bi chick.
[4] Waiting For Chad-- Footballer Chad Johnson doesn't show up, so instead Adam talks about a pet peeve of many.
[5] Still Waiting For Chad-- Adam does a Jim Rome impersonation.
[6] The Two Faces Of Opie And Anthony-- East coast morning show DJs apparently called Adam a douchebag the other day; yet when they hung out together one time they got along swimmingly.
[7] Assful Of These Names-- Know somebody whose name pisses you off?
[8] I'm More Ghetto Than You Are-- Will white people start giving their kid black names, or vice versa?
[9] A Dash Of Spice-- Review of Scary Spice on Larry King, talking about her and Eddie Murphy's bastard lovechild.

Quote Of The Day
"Molestation is the gift that keeps giving. It's really like getting the Beer Of The Month, or The Nuts Of The Month, every month you get a new gift. It's like Molestation Of The Month Club, you get a gift for the rest of your life.

"Oh sure this guy got his filthy paws on you when you were 9. Now you're 35, and you're living with a 300 pound cat at your parents' house."


Today's Selected Audio:
[1] Mr. Brightside-- Adam cheers up callers who are facing depressing predicaments.
[2] Huell Houser-- Huell visits a majestic place known as the UC Davis campus.
[3] Resolving The Conflict-- How can the U.S. become more likable to the Middle East?
[4] Judge Cicconetti-- You know that judge that comes up with all those bizarre setences? Here he be.
[5] Thoughts From The Kitchen-- Adam shares some thoughts about radio that hit him in the kitchen area.
[6] Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin' On-- Opening segment, discussing the earthquake that hit last night.
[7] Cory Feldman

Quote Of The Day
"We're not worried about survival anymore, and now our brains-- which I don't believe have caught up to us, have us turning on ourselves a little bit. 'What's The Meaning Of Life?'-- nobody asks what the meaning of life is when they're on the run, when they're trying to get food, when they're trying to find shelter. Now we need to know and we turn to Oprah.

"Cause now we got all the food we can eat. As a matter of fact we invented a sidewalk that goes in a circle called a treadmill, we run on it to burn off the extra food we put in our tank. It's a weird thing.

"It's like, we have so much gas, it's overflowing out of our SUVs, so at night we drive in a circle around our house for 45 minutes and try to burn off some of the excess gas."


Today's Selected Audio:
[1] The Secret Debunker, Rick Marschall-- Author of The Secret Revealed calls in to explain why the self help megaseller The Secret is baloney.
[2] The Secret Debunker Debunked-- A listener tells his story about the coinky-dental way The Secret changed his life. Then Adam does some guru-ing himself.
[3] News Segment 1-- I don't remember any of the stories, but I recall a good flow going on.
[4] Deaf Frat Guy-- I'm not too big on DFG, but I don't exactly hate him either. Today I got into the spirit of the segment.
[5] Home Improvement With Mr. Birchum-- Saved in the barrel to be shot into morning drive prime time. Why, who knows, but the addition of Mr. Birchum makes the bit a hella lot less dry.
[6] Crank Yankers-- Jimmy Florentine tries to get a free vacation via volunteering for the Salvation Army.
[7] Ray-enactment-- Adam's buddy Ray tells more of their high school tales.
[8] Is That A Monkey Under Your Ponytail?-- last news segment of the day, an Adam newsstory selection from CNN used so he can springboard into a rant.
[9] Chicken S Tickets-- Morning opener. Oh man, the 50th rant in about a month on the subject. Brian does share a good way to beat a parking ticket however.

Quote Of The Day

Teresa: Yao Ming [center for the Houston Rockets] is 7'6". He just got married in Shanghai on Monday, yesterday...
Adam (whispering): ...to Shaq.

Carolla always paints such purdy pictures. That honeymoon night would be like Godzilla and Mothra going at it. Oh the hot collateral damage.


Today's Selected Audio:
[1] Gaywalking-- Parts 1 and 2.
[2] Angel Adam, Devil Danny-- I believe the segment completely broke down, can't remember for sure if they ever got around to taking their proper roles.
[3] Why Is All My Stuff Still Here?-- Adam wonders why cars aren't being broken into as much as they used to be. Not sure if that's true sir, methinks it might have something to do with the better zip codes you now reside in.
[4] Treat Your Daughters Right-- Giuliani's daughter's support of Obama makes Adam mull over parental cause and effect.
[5] Jerry Rice
[6] Same Name Game-- Reggie Bush, Barbara Bush. Get it? You're right Ace, the reason nobody's done this bit before is cause it ain't clever enough.

Quote Of The Day
During the first news segment Teresa talked about the dog mauling that happened on actor Ving Rhames's estate. Upon hearing the dog's tough-guy name (Bruno), Adam thought he had no shot at being declared innocent of killing the guy.

"I get a dog over 200 pounds, I name it Gandhi or Harriet Tubman. People will have a lot of trouble believing that Gandhi mauled a retarded child at the park. And then... 'You're going to put Gandhi to death?'...'You want to euthanize GANDHI???'"


Today's Selected Audio:
[1] Designated Ranter-- Adam takes listeners calls; they tell him the subjects they would like to rant about and, because they are too mushmouthed and dumb themselves, he does it for them. Part 2.
[2] The Baby Diary-- That's what they say the opening segment is about, I don't remember exactly, but that's not the gist. Hmm, I believe it's going out with your kids in public.
[3] Harry Shearer-- Parts 1 and 2.
[4] Music Monday-- Songs you would and would not want to enter a room by. Part 2.

Quote Of The Day
A listener called in wanting advice on how to break it to his girl that he would like her to lose some weight.

Adam: How fat did she get? How much does she weigh?
Caller: Put it this way, it's like doin' a linebacker.
Adam: Hmm... I love football so much that sounds enticing to me.

A bit later in the conversation Danny wittily brought up the whole "Do these jeans make my ass look fat?" question girls like to ask; he then delivered the standard issue bitchin' response to that, "No, it's the GIRTH OF YOUR ASS that makes you look fat!" Adam put a bit of a fresh spin in his reply--

Adam: As a matter of fact, I think if you got rid of the jeans your ass would look fatter, because it would then kick out another four to six inches.


Loved Friday's show.

[1] Adam's Advice-- Adam takes calls from listeners wanting advice, eloquently trying to show a man the way to his dream while destroying anothers.
[2] News Hype + A Crank Yank-- Danny steps out to try and deliver a gift to Nicole Richie, Teresa and Adam stretch out a little. Then Adam plays a good crank yankin starring Susie Essman.
[3] News Segment 1-- Includes a story about a man who was arrested for having sex with street signs. 'Nuff said?
[4] Teresa's Love Life-- Teresa is already moving in with her new guy. Smooth move? As part of their discussion Adam and her move to one of my favorite topics, anti-doody stench bathroom fans. Callers weigh in in Part 2.
[5] Danny Meets Nicole Richie-- I can't believe I actually got excited for a second when he got in the gate. And then again when she opened the door. Shoot me.
[6] OJ + Shredding The Company Line-- Teresa recaps OJ's interview, then Adam goofs wonderfully at some of the on-air talent that has been a part of the local station he is now affiliated with.
[7] Danny Returns-- He recaps his Nicole Richie b.s., but he and Adam then get into a somewhat interesting thing about swearing on the radio.
[8] Ode To Teresa-- Adam opens the show gushing about his right-hand woman.
[9] This Week In Rage-- New segment where Adam re-rants listener's voted favorites of the week. Nowhere near as good as the originals.

Sorry, I've just had an impacted assful of the show lately. Well, sorta. Still been listening, haven't heard any short-form quotes that have caught my fancy.

Today's Selected Audio--
[1] What Can't Adam Complain About?-- I thought they may have brought this bit back again too quick (last time they did it was last week I believe), but oh no. Maybe pound-for-pound the best installment so far. And he takes on four comers this go-round, not the normal three.

Today's Selected Audio:
[1] Joel McHale-- Soup clips. Part 1, producer Gary Marshall (Laverne & Shirley and everything else) calls in during Part 2, Part 3.
[2] Motorin' FM-- The ACS transforms into a hardcore Morning Zoo for a segment. This Dusty Wheeler dude is no Dick Gobbler.
[3] SuperLesbo-- Adam recalls when he met the ultimate dyke.
[4] The Scarborough Contender-- Adam talks about all the other shows he did yesterday. The opening segment.
[5] Maria Menounos-- Hottie from those entertainment news shows stops by.
[6] Phone Screener Search Highlights

Today's Selected Audio:
[1] Angel Adam, Devil Danny-- Adam loses his halo mid-way through the second call. Dannyhater John returns again for call #3.
[2] To Catch A Predator Recap-- Parts 1 and 2.
[3] Pass Those Genes-- Are you going to try and steer your kid down a path that YOU believe is right for them right off the bat, or let them find their own way first?
[4] Sonny's Need For Speed-- Adam suspects his boy has inherited his thrillseeking gene. Now he's preferring he'll be a nerd.
[5] The Grim Creeper-- Supposedly there's a black cat at this nursing home that senses when one of the residents is about to die. A doctor that works there calls in, and Adam celebrates one of the true heroes.
[6] Kenny Mane-- Sportcenter anchor gives his view on Michael Vick, Barry Bonds, etc.

Quote Of The Day
Right at the beginning of the first news segment: enough with the complaining about the high price of Starbucks coffee already.


Today's Selected Audio:
[1] Perfume Clouds-- Adam finds himself in an even more dense cloud than usual of Danny's body spray.
[2] Prove Your Love-- Callers call in to share what lengths they have gone to capture someone else's affections.
[3] "MIJO!!!!"-- Former Man Show writer Adam DeLaPena stops by, and the ultimate journey into Mijoland begins.
[3] Danny's New Tattoo-- Adam thinks that if tattoos didn't hurt as much, LESS people would have them.
[4] Adam On Homeland Security-- A rant about recent news reports.
[5] Rich Man, Poor Man
[6] Ray-enactment-- Since they're always pressed for time after Ozzie's movie reviews, they've given Ray's buffoon high school stories their own segment.
[7] Mary Ann Norbom-- Editor of OK magazine calls in to talk about the photo session with Britney Spears that went awry.
[8] Tony The Black Guy At The Harry Potter Release-- I dig Tony, but not good this time around.

Quote Of The Day
Adam began the show talking about the spider problems at his house, and how people don't seem to know how to get rid of them like other bugs. He said he's also been told they're the GOOD insects, because they eat the others. Danny wondered what the heck is a "good" insect if it's shacking up with you uninvited as well. Adam agreed.

"And it's like you saying, 'Oh you got to have some Crips around your house because they'll get rid of the Bloods.'"


Today's Selected Audio:
[1] What Can't Adam Complain About?-- Meg Tilly hottie lookalike Melissa gets a tryout on the phones during the segment, leading to one heck of a cluster F.
[2] Ron The Veteran-- Last year Ron won the trip to the Bunny Ranch before shipping out to Iraq. He's back now, and severely injured.
[3] Spiderant-- Hear it in its entirety.
[4] Return Of The Spazz-- During yet another discussion of chicken S tickets, the Danny hater from last week breaks through again, this time under the guise of a cop.
[5] Oh Danny Boy-- Callers call in to say whether they love or hate Bonaduce.
[6] Melissa The Possible Phone Screener
[7] The Bangles-- come in to promote their new DVD.
[8] Janice Dickinson-- The devil herself is interviewed during a segment with gossip queens Lynn and Alex.

Quote Of The Day
As Teresa rattled off singer Mindy McCready's criminal charges during the second news segment, a tune of hers played in the backround. Adam had his own favorite.

"I like the B-side to this one, 'I Put The C--- In Country'...Would somebody please write that song, that would be a GREAT country song."

Whoever does, enjoy your Grammy.

Today's Selected Audio:
[1] Gay But Not To Stay-- Callers call in to share the gayest thing they have ever done. Adam opens the segment talking about the waxing and facial he had last week. Yeah, it's over.
[2] Teresa Meets The Parents-- Her knight in shining armor's parents flew in this weekend just to meet her. Would they accept a non-Gentile?
[3] Why Californians Can't Drive-- Opening of the show; Danny is missing.
[4] Shirley Phelps-- Everyone's favorite twisted religious zealot takes time out from protesting soldier funerals to check in and deliver her opinons about Sandler's Chuck And Larry movie and Harry Potter.
[5] Teddy The Phone Screener-- Intern Teddy is filling in as phone screener. He's not as creepy as he used to be.
[6] Music Monday-- Great and awful songs performed by girl bands. Parts 1, 2, and 3.

Quote Of The Day
Adam Sandler called in during the 7 o' clock hour. Adam (Carolla) had forgotten, but Sandler was a celebrity judge for the radio boxing fight that was Carolla's big break (training Jimmy Kimmel).

Adam Sandler: I was so excited to do that, you don't know how quickly I'd say no to that now.
Adam Carolla: Oh my God...you wouldn't even say no, your publicist would wipe his ass with the request and send it back.


Today's Selected Audio:
[1] Joel McHale's Soup Clips-- Parts 1 and 2.
[2] Adam Sandler
[3] Only One Same-Named City Can Survive-- Adam's got a good idea for a pay per view event that will eliminate some geographical confusion.
[4] Bye Kyle-- It's Kyle the phone screener's last day, everybody says goodbye.
[5] Taylor Hicks-- At the very end of this uberlong segment. Before that, more phone screener auditions. Where a spazzy Danny hater sneaks through. On Kyle's last day. Hmm.
[6] Deaf Frat Guy
[7] Name That Tune-- Ozzy sings Grateful Dead tunes in his special style for fans to win tickets to see Ratdog.

Quote Of The Day
Actually it's a quote from yesterday that I would've used hadn't I forgot about it, but he repeated it on today's show as well, so.

After interviewing To Catch A Predator host Chris Hansen, Adam revealed how he avoids being caught on the show when he's out hunting for young, young stuff.

"Before I go into any house when I meet any chick on the internet, I do this ploy now, I probably shouldn't talk about it... I do a little thing called Candy-Gram For Chris Hansen. I send a guy to the house ten minutes before I get there... and when I see him come to the door and sign for it, I just keep driving."


Today's Selected Audio:
[1] News Segment 1-- Contains probably the most complete version I've heard of one of Adam's favorite rant topics.
[2] To Catch A Predator Recap-- A breakdown of last night's episode, with Norm McDonald. He's pro-predator.
[3] Norm MacDonald-- Parts 1 and 2.
[4] Stalker Natalie's Tattoo-- Adam's stalker wants to get his autograph tattooed on her stomach. Parts 1 and 2.
[5] Ron Jeremy And Dennis Hoff-- Stop by to promote their show about a whorehouse.
[6] John Leguizamo-- Calls to talk about his new series on Spike, Kill Point.

Today's Selected Audio:
[1] Will Angie Eat It?-- Everybody wagers on what super finnicky producer Angie will eat or not.
[2] Fun With Huell Houser-- Huell visits a pier.
[3] Patton Oswalt-- Super mega movie star of Ratatouille visits. Parts 1 and 2, and he sticks around for the second news segment.
[4] Head-- Korn's old guitar player Brian "Head" Welch who quit the band because he found Jesus stops by to promote his new book.
[5] Chris Hansen-- To Catch A Predator's host phones in.
[6] Win Kyle The Phone Screener's Job-- More callers to interview to try and win the sacret seat.
[7] Adam's Rants-- About the terrorists. He wants more No S Sherlock advice from the news on the subject.

Quote Of The Day
"I could never figure out that, it was all over the 70s, where people were eating dog food. Danny and I remember the sitcoms back in the day where it was like someone was eating cat food or dog food... and they were like REAL stories, 'THIS ELDERLY WOMAN WAS FORCED TO EAT DOG FOOD BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY...' And even though I was nine I realized a can of Van de Kamps hash was 59 cents, and a can of cat food was 59 cents, and a can of tuna was 59 cents and I thought why are you buying the cat food when you could buy the tuna, the top ramen, or the Van De Kamps hash for the same price?"

C'mon Carolla. Because if people see you eating dog food that's when the donations really start to flow. Especially if you've invited them over for lunch.


Today's Selected Audio:
[1] A Bitch's Bitch-- Adam recounts when he was once beaten up by a chick.
[2] CatFight Club-- Callers call in to tell their personal catfighting stories. Oh the humanity.
[3] News Segment 1
[4] Win Kyle's Job-- Kyle the phone screener is leaving to go to work for Kimmel, so auditons to fill his seat where held on the air. More quality time with the public.
[5] A Public Service Announcements About Public Service Announcements-- Adam rants.
[6] Cry, Cry, Cry Again-- Adam's spawn was wailing like a banshee this morning as he was getting ready for work. Topper Danny talks about he made all three chicks in his life cry yesterday.
[7] Gay Walking With Pre Op Board Op Bill
[8] Kevin James-- The King Of Queens star calls in to promote his new movie with Adam Sandler, I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry.

Quote Of The Day
During the early morning there was a bit of talk of Danny possibly being the superhero Bonerman, because he had had sex with his girlfriend six times in two days or so.

Adam: By the way, Bonerman's cape is a dental dam.


Today's Selected Audio:
[1] Don't Mess With Mom-- Bonaduce's ridiculous romanticism brings him right into claw's reach of his girlfriend's mother, who is none too pleased about all the drama that occurred in Maui. A confrontation that sounded like it should be on one of those nature shows.
[2] Meeting The Parents-- Callers call in to share horror stories of trying to coexist with their significant other's parents who hate their guts.
[3] What Will Change The World-- Adam's early morning blah blah blah. Readjusting the car seat pain and his realizing that taking care of kids is hell.
[4] Robert Wuhl-- Arliss comes in to chat about his new show. Parts 1 and 2.
[5] Music Monday-- Great songs with bad lyrics. Parts 1 and 2.

Today's Selected Audio:
[1] Adam Rants-- Meter maids must die.
[2] News Segment 1-- Curious discussion of oral and gayness, just like Conkrite used to do every night.
[3] Bobbi Billard-- While this interview with the 34DDD Myspace chick with over a million friends is obviously an intellectual tour de force, it's Teresa's Worst News Story Ever holdover from the previous segment that makes it listenable.
[4] Healthy?-- While waiting for Michael Moore to phone in health care is discussed.
[5] Small Things That Won't Make You So Freakin Large-- Adam opens the show by stealing and sharing some of my diet tips.
[6] Joel McHale-- Soup Clips, Parts 1 and 2.
[7] Tracy Morgan-- Makes David Alan Grier seem sedated. Still wearing his government-enforced anklet, so the spazzing is 100% alcohol-free. Parts 1, 2 (News Segment) and 3.

Quote Of The Day
"Michael McDonald is one of these guys where he could shave his beard, cut his hair, and start a new life anytime he wants. Right now he walks in with the beard and the long silvery hair and everybody goes, 'Hey, Doobie Brother, you got a doobie for me??' The day he gets tired of being Michael McDonald, all he needs to do is shave and I don't think his wife would recognize him... He and the guys from ZZ Top could just go to the barber and then walk the streets with impunity, they'll never be stopped again."

Today's Selected Audio:
[1] Angel Adam, Devil Danny-- The devil rather disappoints this time around, but Adam delivers a gem around the ten minute mark.
[2] Larry Miller-- The thinking man's comedian stops by. Hmm, I never knew he was almost George Costanza. In Part 3 he finds himself in the middle of an old dusted off bit called Hypothetical Questions. Oh, here's Part 2.
[3] Billy West-- Part 2 was my favorite. Adam bet listeners that called in with any of their impressions that they would be topped by the voicemaster. Quite a feat if he could do that, hmm? And here's Part 1.
[4] Hair Raising Radio-- Bald Brian's young bald guy pain. Adam's brillo-headed youth pain.

Quote Of The Day
At the end of the opening segment Teresa said that after her black stepfather died, when her family received his death certificate that his race had been misidentified on it as white.

Adam: Maybe they were just trying to get him into heaven...

Sharpton Alert!


Today's Selected Audio:
[1] Ken Burns-- In depth chat about his new documentary on PBS about World War II. Parts 1, 2, 3, and 4. Listen to it all or you're a traitor.
[2] David Alan Grier-- Sometimes I can't stand the man, sometimes I love him. Today was a good day. Parts 1, 2, and 3 (News Segment).
[3] Taming Adam's Fat Ass-- Adam's trying to slim down and his wife could care less.
[4] Peter King-- Host of Inside The NFL calls in to talk football and why there is no team in Southern California yet.
[5] Let's Go To Work!-- Why Adam was pumped about today's show.

Quote Of The Day
For the first news segment Teresa related how Sprint was "firing" a batch of their customers because they're more trouble than they're worth, because they're always on the customer service line complaining about something. Adam hoped that when all those people read that sianora letter in the mail that they would wonder who else in their life may possibly feel the same.

"Other people think about a utopia... 'Hey, I'm gonna create a Disney-esque village that's free of crime, where the streets are always clean...' I don't think that way. I think of a neighborhood where all the pains in the asses that have lived around me over the years are forced to live next to each other and destroy each other. I want the C who lived next to me in my first house to move next to the D that currently lives next to me...find out what it's like to live next to YOU."


Today's Selected Audio:
[1] What Can't Adam Complain About-- The ultimate Sprint customer reenters the dojo to fend off more callers' attempts to stump Adam's almighty whining. When his kids finally scream themselves out and take a nap? Butterflies? Opposable thumbs? Amateurs.
[2] Bed Wetters-- Adam and Teresa talk about times they've stayed over at boyfriend/girlfriend's places and...accidentally wet the bed? Yeah, you'd think alcohol would be involved...
[3] Kevin Pereira!-- Oh how I've missed the G4 channel ever since it was yanked out of my cable a few months ago. The host of Attack Of The Show comes in to talk about the iPhone, other technological doodads, and E3. Great, but why couldn't he have brought along Olivia Munn? Parts 1 and 2.
[4] Richard Rawlings-- Cannonball Run record holder stops by to talk about how he went from the Atlantic to the Pacific in just under 32 hours. Parts 1 and 2.
[5] Kari Kimmel and Tamara Witmer of the LA Motorcycle Show-- Godawful interview about motorcycles with two chicks who know nothing about motorcycles.

Today's Selected Audio:
[1] Vacation Recap-- Woohoo, some new Adam ranting after a week of leftovers.
[2] Danny's Maui Disaster-- How Danny started drinking again.
[3] Listeners' Horrendous Vacation Stories
[4] Nerd Walking With Sound Effect Guy Brian-- Do nerds know what the average man knows?
[5] Ozzie And Ray Review Transformers
[6] Music Monday-- Best and worst songs you can't get out of your head. Parts 1, 2, and 3.

Quote Of The Day
As all the married men began waxing about how oral and other special sexual acts have either significantly dropped in their occurrence or disappeared altogether from their relationships, Danny revealed a half-ingenious plan to keep his next recruited gold digger working hard for the money.

"For any of you new contenders out there, THAT'S going in the prenup... you start checking any of the sex acts we used to do off your list, whatever it was I was GOING to give you will go down twenty-five percent."


Hmm. Didn't have time to re-listen yesterday, since nothing caught my ear the first time around as a short lil' quotable. If I did it all again however I would go back to where they were goofing on clips of the meeting of the great minds, where Paris Hilton was telling Larry King to feel her pain because she has A.D.D. Larry then referred to the disorder a couple times subsequently as "A.D.T."

When Adam launched into his gravelly voiced Larry King impersonation after the clip ended, he instead called it "B.F.D."


Today's Selected Audio:
[1] Containers And Special Glasses-- Adam rants about a time long ago when everybody would go crazy collecting those special giveaway drinking glasses, and just about every establishment in America was using them as their primary promotional tool. Sarah Silverman crank yanks to kick the segment off.
[2] What Can't Adam Complain About And Justin Long-- The Mac guy and star of Live Free Or Die Hard calls in for an interview in the middle of the bit and... stumps the Aceman? I think he threw the fight myself.
[3] Comedian Robert Schimmel-- The comic great visits and won't leave, parts 1 and 2.
[4] Hey Paula-- An analysis and breakdown of Paula Abdul's new reality show.
[5] Crank Yankers-- Patton Oswalt and Jimmy Kimmel moonlight as the wacky DJ team "Boomer And The Nuge".

Paris-mania!

[1] Sex With Strangers-- Why sex with strangers is so awesome. Segues into the beginning of the breakdown of Paris Hilton's much anticipated Larry King interview last night.
[2] Danny Will Save Her-- After declaring he believes he can help the heiress, Danny heads off on his Harley to do a live remote from the Hilton estate where Paris and a throng of reporters are supposed to be, only to find...nothing? In the meantime Adam and Teresa talk to a lesbo on the phone who impresses them greatly.
[3] More Paris And More Lesbo Holly-- And Danny getting pulled over by a cop with some rage over Carolla's chicken S ticket rants.
[4] Hot Dog Champ Joey Chestnut-- Talks some smack about Kobayashi.
[5] Vince Neil-- Motley Crue's lead singer drops by to promote a bunch of stuff.

Quote Of The Day
During the news segment Adam said he might be seeing the new Die Hard movie with esteemed ESPN online sportswriter Bill Simmons. Since Danny knows nothing about sports, Teresa and Adam explained who he is and how every hetero man in America reads his column. A tad perturbed Danny then began taking an in-house poll of the men in the studio to see if this is true. The spotlight eventually fell on gay Pre Op Board Op Bill, followed by Adam's loving hammer.

"He worships RICHARD Simmons."


Today's Selected Audio:
[1] Angel Adam, Devil Danny-- Been awhile.

[2] Manson Prosecutor Vincent Bugliosi-- Author of the 1600 page Reclaiming History phones in to say why it's insane to believe no one besides Lee Harvey Oswald killed JFK.

[3] Conspiracy Theories-- Callers phone in to discuss conspiracy theories they believe or don't believe. The first 9/11 believer manages to render himself a buffoon in about the first two seconds. The second goes the opposite route.

[4] Wasteful People-- Adam launches into a rant about the problems of energy conservation.

[5] Huell Houser-- In this gripping episode pulled for analysis, Huell chats it up with a shoeshiner. Parts 1 and 2.

[6] Richard Lewis-- Mr. Happy phones in and talks a little Curb Your Enthusiasm.

[7] 911 Is A Joke (For White People Too)-- Danny had to place a call to emergency yesterday and was surprised at how it was treated.

[8] News Segment 1 Part 2-- Begins with a Crank Yankers call starring elderly curmudgeon Elmer.

Quote Of The Day
Adam began the day by telling everybody he has to lose some pounds put on during his European jaunt for an upcoming photo shoot. And oh yeah, if anyone wants it, for some reason there's a pie in the station's fridge.

"If I was outdoors when I announced I was on a diet, I would be crushed by a canned ham."


Today's Selected Audio:
[1] Diet Sabatoge-- Adam's mastered The Secret, in reverse. Also some good chat on parenting, steparenting, and child care. Don't ask me where the segue was.
[2] Character Development-- Adam puts his guru hat on.
[3] Deal Breakers-- Callers call in to share wacky stories about things that made them strongly reconsider why they were in a relationship with their significant other.
[4] Rich Man, Poor Man-- Not my favorite bit, but even I must admit there are some startling similarities between the lifestyles of the very rich and very poor. Parts 1 and 2.

Quote Of The Day: Methalicious
During the first news segment Teresa brought up an interview with Fergie running this month in Self magazine in which she talks about her meth addiction, how she loved the stuff until it made her "talk to her laundry basket for eight hours". Danny remarked that it was probably difficult for Fergie to keep up during that conversation. Adam concurred.

"When you say 'touche' to your laundry hamper, that's a bad sign intellectually."


Today's Selected Audio:
[1] Jimmy Kimmel Lives-- in the bonus section of the 2nd news segment, Jimmy Kimmel calls in to discuss his emergency appendectomy last week.
[2] Adam's European Vacation-- Why Mr. All-American now wishes he was Eurotrash.
[3] Ozzie And Ray Review Fantastic Four 2
[4] Ice Road Trucker TJ Wilcox-- Interview with one of the stars of the History Channel series, who haul stuff in their 18 wheelers... across frozen bodies of water.

Well, the show is on its two-week summer break.

I might post stuff that strikes me, I'm not sure. I'm going to be focusing on other things during their vacation though. Which is only partly due to my fondness of Best Ofs.

Because of changing circumstances I don't know if I'll be able to listen to the show much anymore in the near future. Alas, this blog might not be allowed to continue. I hold out some hope it will not die, but I'm not exactly betting that way.

Time will tell.

Quote Of The Day
A caller told the tale of his crazy bother's foray into Primal Scream therapy. He built his own screaming room, and the caller said when he visited the guy's living room it was loaded with hippies and spiritbirds and such waiting to use it.

"I would love to go in there and just start yelling, 'GOAL'...'THE YANKEES WIN THE PENNANT, THE YANKEES WIN THE PENNANT!!!!!!!'"

Today's Selected Audio:
[1] Crazy Self-Help Groups-- Danny tells a good story about his forced journey into Life Spring, among other highlights.
[2] News Segment 2-- Begins with a Crank Yankers call with Special Ed.
[3] Joel McHale-- He's brought his weekly preview of Soup clips, Parts 1 and 2.
[4] Deal Or No Deal Chicks-- #24 Kelly and #8 Lauren stop by.
[5] Elite XC Fighter Frank Shamrock-- You can be adopted at 20?

No time for quotes today...

Today's Selected Audio:
[1] Movies With Bumps-- Callers phone in to say which films had some part in them that made them go WTF. The ending of The Silence Of The Lambs? Absolutely. The Godfather? Hmm...
[2] Adam's Review Of Ocean's Thirteen-- the segment that spawned #1. Why Adam and his wife had to evacuate the theater.

Quote Of The Day
A woman called in and said the woman she and her hubby have a polyamorous relationship with is part Chinese, part Mexican, part Hawaiian, and part black. Teresa and Danny oohed and ahhed at the spicey combo. Adam pooh poohed their excitement. "That's nothing by the way. Once you get over three things you're back to zero." He elaborated.

"You know those people who go, 'Well I'm Welsh, I got a little bit of Russian, I got a little bit of Italian... I'm 1/26th Cherokee, that's what gives me my tenacity'... First off, it's not called tenacity, it's called being the C-word. And then secondly, you can't be 128 things because then you're nothing. It's like if you have an ice cream that's 128 flavors, it's called milk, it's sweet. It's no longer rocky road or whatever it is."


Today's Selected Audio:
[1] Porn For Retards--Adam says the dumbing down of America has even effected our pornography, and I couldn't agree more. Jesus Christ.

[2] Roastmaster Jeff Ross-- Parts 1 and 2. He's hosting that Next Big Thing crap, which I want to take a gander at one of these days.

[3] Birchim's Home Improvement-- The second time Birchim's hosted this godawful bit, and I think it works much better now.

[4] The Olly Girls-- Interview with the chicks from that Sunset Tan show.

Quote Of The Day: The Second Worst Call A Parent Could Get
Poor Pre-op Board Op Bill...

"...whose Dad was not pleased when on National Coming Out Day we said you need to call your Dad and say you're gay, and he said, 'My Dad already knows I'm gay', and I said, 'Call him and tell him you're gayer.'"

I'm skipping now, Pa. Do you like my new lisp?


Stuff:

[1] Dana Gould-- the standup comedian and writer of The Simpsons chewed some fat. I prefer Part 2 but here's Part 1 as well.

[2] News Segment 1-- Begins with Adam musing about why it would be so much better if rabbits flew than birds.

[3] Crazy Hat-- Adam talks about how his brother-in-law is schizophrenic, and you wouldn't know it at all... except for the crazy hat he wears.

[4] Reverse Gaywalking-- Instead of having Board Op Bill quiz gay folk on straight guy knowledge, this time they flipped it. Woohoo, I totally failed!

[5] Ant-- The most flamboyant gay guy on television stops by to promote Last Comic Standing and Celebrity Fit Club.

[6] Teresa's New Dude-- Ant sticks around to listen to T's love life getting updated and discussed.

[7] Bonaduce vs. Shapiro Recap-- Danny beat that senior citizen good. Parts 1 and 2.

Quote Of The Day
Danny's got another boxing match tonight with 65 year-old former lawyer Robert Shapiro, most famous for becoming a national folk hero for his defense of O.J. Simpson.

During the weekend Danny saw Sylvester Stallone at a party. They got to talking, Danny told him he was nervous about the fight, that his only advantage is his punching power (Shapiro is in fantastic shape and boxes regularly), and he doesn't want to seriously injure a 65 year old man.

Stallone had no qualms, said he would hospitalize him without feeling bad in the slightest, and went on to describe how he should do it.

Danny: And I said, "So you'd do this to an 85 year old?" He goes (mimicking Stallone's punch-drunk retard voice), "I gotta tell ya, once this guy must've been 90 and he wouldn't lower his umbrella, so I couldn't see. So I told him to put down his umbrella. He wouldn't put down his umbrella, so I smacked him in the ear and closed the umbrella around his head. Must've been close to a 100 years old."
Adam (explaining to the audience): See, when it rains at a funeral... sometimes people have to open up an umbrella...

Maybe Stallone can get away with being so vicious towards the seniors since he's one now himself.


Happy Belated Birthday, T. Congratulations on turning 29 1/2!


Ooh, here's a short two-minute Adam rant about not being able to get out of his driveway. Trust me, you'll understand his pain.


Others:
[1] Stallone's Elderly Boxing Advice-- the full segment in all its unsympathetic glory. Great Adam observations about opposites attracting and co-existing towards the end.

[2] The Sopranos' Frank Vincent-- the last weekly appearance of Phil Leotardo to discuss the series' final episode.

[3] Tony Soprano Interview-- What a coup...

[4] Teresa's Birthday Date-- She's announced to the world that it was one of the best dates of her life. But she wants to stay level-headed now.

[5] Author Dan Clark-- Chicken Soup For The Soul self-help author comes in the studio, and Adam doesn't shoot him in the head.

Quote Of The Day
During a news story about law enforcement no longer being able to perform cavity searches in public, Teresa realized a brilliant new approach for public service announcements to take. Adam concurred.

"You know, that's a decent point... 'Just Say No', please...that's not going to get me to put down anything. But 'This Has Been Up Someone's Ass'? That's an effective campaign."

[1] Name That Nicauraguan Tune-- After Ozzie's rendition of Police songs is where it gets interesting to me. Adam goes into how horrible it was for him working on Loveline . Gee, my guess at the reason would've been all the moronic callers.

What Can't Adam Complan About-- Photosynthesis?? No problem.

Quote Of The Day
More like astute observation of the day: during his next-to-last postgame Monday morning interview with Frank Vincent, Adam may have struck on an important key to The Sopranos success: no commercials. He said something to the effect that maybe because viewers aren't subjected to a break in the action every ten minutes or so to watch a couple argue in Home Depot that maybe the illusion of reality is much more heightened.

I only caught the first two hours, but I think I caught the highlight:

God Is Not Great-- One of my favorite sourpuss intellectual guests on the talk circuit phones in to join forces with Adam in an atheist jammy jam, explaining why God sucks ass and why there is no afterlife.

Quote Of The Day
While Adam and Danny did a little exhibition sparring during his bachelor party, Survivor's "Eye Of The Tiger" from Rocky III played in the backround. As T did the color commentary for the club crowd she let them know she had "the eye of the cougar".

Heh. I hear a song parody coming on.

Danny ended up not doing the tranny, at least not during the show. Some sick part of me was a little disappointed. Call it my inner Stern fan I guess... while I was never a big fan of most of his over-the-top filthy hijinks, I guess I kind of miss em a bit.


Next week I don't believe I'm going to be here. We're disassembling my grandmother's apartment and we'll have early start times. I won't have access to the show mp3s, alas.

Might be a good thing. As you can imagine my heart isn't really into this at the moment and it probably shows.

Heck, I don't know if I'll even be back.

Quote Of The Day
At the show's outset Teresa ended up in a pile of tears, sharing the news that the man she had hoped to rekindle relations with is now indeed taken. She handled the loss with the proper showing of sportsmanship.

"I want him to be happy, because I love him and care about him... but part of me just wants her to be fat."

Hope you feel better soon, funny girl.


[1] T's On-Air Breakdown

Quote Of The Day: Fixing A Common Idiotic Quote
Danny remembered on his Dr. Phil appearance Gretchen had told him that "Danny wants to have his cake and eat it too." His reply?

"Well what the hell is the point of cake? Why would you ever HAVE cake... and not eat it too?"

Adam said that the original saying had "eat" and "have" the other way around. Somehow they got transposed. He thought whoever was responsible for the change should be kicked in the nuts.


Hmm. The official show blog hasn't had much to say either the past couple days. Guess everybody is in some post-Memorial Day weekend funk.

Quote Of The Day
Adam felt he had to bring the light of darkness when Danny got excited telling everybody how he and his divorcing ex-wife have never been better friends than they are now.

"It's like when... you didn't get along with a couple of co-workers, but your transfer came through and you're going to the Cinncinnati office in three weeks, and usually the last three weeks are spent sort of, hmm... knowing you're out of there. Sort of like when a roommate's leaving who you didn't get along with but you have a couple more weeks left? And then you burn all their crap the last day."


Danny: About having sex in my own home... the rule was flat out, no men or women in this house of any kind who aren't under our employ.
Adam: So you could bring hookers home?

Sweet, sweet loopholes. Loopholes being my nickname for prostitutes of course.


Is it me or did the show blow S today? Hmm, could just be me. My grandmother died on Wednesday so maybe my humor gauge still is faulty.

We were very close. In fact the taking care of her was going to justify listening to four hours of radio in the morning for the best quotes possible.

Don't know what's coming up. We shall see.


Sunday was Adam's birthday. Happy birthday, sir.

Quote Of The Day

"I bake with love... and when I say 'love' I mean I use my juice as shortening."

Quote Of The Day
A former tabloid reporter was interviewed. She related a story about Don Johnson sneaking out on his wife, buying porn, then checking into a hotel room and leaving after thirty minutes. After more research, she found out it was GAY porn. Not that that means anything...

"You know what I always say... where there's smoke, there's Fire Island."

Quote Of The Day: Advice For Those Emerging From The Closet
"I expect to have that conversation with my son in about twenty years where he goes, 'Dad, good news and bad news. Bad news: I'm gay. Good news: I'm a top.'"

Hey, it's something I guess. Show him who's boss, son.


Danny's Doppelganger
Danny: Do you know how close you were to working with Donny Most (of Happy Days fame) when you came back from vacation?
Adam: I thought you were Donny Most for the first four weeks. The red hair, you were well-spoken...
Teresa (to Adam, in disbelief): That's not Potsie?
Adam: It's Boozie, actually.


Ode To John Candy
"I was thinking last night... the idea that a big huge fat guy's last name was Candy...and then later on I was talking to someone about Bob Barker's love of dogs, and I thought, well for Christ's sake, his last name is BARKER, he speaks their language."

Teresa chimed in to say whenever she goes to therapy she sees another psychiatrist's placard on the door to a nearby office, Dr. Bitter. Danny says Gretchen's old gynocologist was named Dr. Goo.


Yet Another Live Commercial I Enjoyed
Maybe someone else will strongly relate as well--

"What was our obsession with the color avacado? The refrigerators, the washing machines... everything was avacado green in 1973. WRETCHED, baby!"


Recommended:
[1] Mr. Brightside-- Ahhh, seems like forever since they've done this, another one of my favorite bits. The premise? Instead of being his usual pessimistic self, Adam takes phone callers with problems and turns their frowns upside down. In this installment Sara is turning 30 and because of her fiancee's self-absorption is having to make her birthday plans herself, Chipper is divorcing from the only woman he's ever been with, and Rebecca's stepdad's debt to the I.R.S. is financially destroying her mother despite being divorced (Fun fact topping: Daddy incurred said debt BEFORE their marriage).

[2] News Segment 1-- Damn, I thought Alcoa really sponsored Definitely Not A Jew. Not that I thought they were aware their name was being used during that particular bit. Animals in Denver are getting the plague, hens are turning into whores. Why Adam will advise his daughter to have sex immediately with her dates.

[3] Bernard Hopkins-- So Rocky Balboa was crazy sci-fi, hmm? Here's a boxer about ten years younger and still competing with the best. The unheard of is getting louder and louder. One more generation to go and the elderly will inherit the earth.

[4] Jorge Garcia-- Lost fans, your favorite starving fat dude called in for an interview.

Quotes Of The Day
Teresa: Is Ozzie at your home every single day, would you say?
Adam: It feels like more.

"Here's the thing about Three's Company...Furley was too uptight to think about a single guy living with two single chicks, but he was alright with the fagala living downstairs? Didn't that seem like flawed logic in 1979?"

My world has been shattered.

During the Music Monday festivities a guy calls in with a Grateful Dead song as his pick. Adam sniffs out a potsmoking hippie on the other end and indeed, the man admits he is already high this morning. After fielding some guesses about his occupation, he instead offers a vague description--

Adam: Now are you going to work today? Where are you going to work?
Caller: Yes I am... I'm going to brush some wax on some iron at a client's house.
Adam: Nice...so that's what they call a handy these days.

Even In The Commercials
While promoting TNT's basketball playoff game tonight, Teresa remarks how she loves Charles Barkley. Which set Adam to wondering...

"If a black guy does the color commentary, is that racist?"

If you add an "ed" at the end for the occasion when you introduce him, definitely.


Reccommended:
[1] Music Monday-- songs you would use to impart life lessons to your kids. Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.

[2] The Gallagher Interview-- Part 1 focuses on Kill Gallagher, an actual movie that Jimmy and Adam pitched a few years back, which Adam describes as "The Gods Must Be Crazy goes to Vegas". Jimmy soon learned that Gallagher liked to suspend his little kid from the ceiling via rope. In Part 2 Gallagher clears up all the confusion about his brother who was doing his act for awhile. Then he takes some more crazy pills and starts feverishly talking about his idea of building these orgy/family reunion centers.

[3] Ozzie And Ray Review Shrek The Third-- Ray interviews fellow moviegoers as Ozzie; more neanderthal stories of his and Adam's youth.

[4] News Segment 1-- Stallone convicted of possession of sterioids, VH1's list of the sexiest nerdboys.

Quote Of The Day
Comedian Craig Shoemaker was in during the first hour. He said growing up in Philadelphia he had a football coach named Ralph Carolla, whose claim to fame was that in the team photo one year he accidentally had his nutsack swinging out and about from his tight shorts. Adam said while he didn't know much at all about his family lineage, he did know his father had a brother named Ralph, and that he indeed lived in Philly.

Adam: We do have prodigous sacks, that is one thing... check the crest, check the coat of arms, it's right there.


Time For RewritesCollin Quinn hit the seat after Henry Rollins. After some comments about how evasive Henry was about some things, Collin declared he himself was an "open book", he would answer anything and everything. After a few rounds of Q&A like this--

Teresa: Who was your favorite that guest starred on SNL while you were there?
Collin: I don't know... I can't remember.
Danny: Apparently he's an open book that he hasn't bothered to read.


Off F
Danny: I've been seeing a couple girls and one is very bright, and she ended a sentence in a preposition and I corrected her in the car.
Teresa: That is something up which I will not put.
Danny: And she said the exact same thing, God bless her.
Hmm, I never heard that one before. Good to know. The only thing I hate more than outdated dopey English rules are the Kelsey Grammers of the world that go around trying to enforce them. I bet contractions were against the law at some point as well.

Clip Recommendations:
[1] Breaking The Cycle-- If you love the little stories this is where it's at. Adam illustrates his family's odd indifference. If I ever became famous I think my father would react much like his; I can't imagine being part of a whole family unit that operates like this. Danny then shares his own experiences as Adam tries to figure out just how the redheaded monster was created.

[2] Henry Rollins Interview-- Part 1 and Part 2

[3] Collin Quinn Interview-- Part 1 and Part 2

[4] Craig Shoemaker Interview-- As someone who watches a lot of standup I hadn't heard of this guy since he hosted Comic Strip Live in the late 80s/early 90s. Parts 1 and 2.

Quotes Of The Day

"I feel like Buffalo would be a good place to go if you were fat. It's not called Skinnyburg, it's Buffalo... it's not Waifville, it's Buffalo. I would put on fifty pounds just going to Buffalo just because I lived in a town named after a huge bison."

A rapper guy called in and said he wanted to go to Danny's bachelor party so he could have access to the "overflow" of women, aka the unlucky hordes of chicks that would be rejected and not get to become the next Mrs. Bonaduce.

Adam: And by the way, I know this is the guy from The Man Show and I've made my living off of misogyny, but I don't really appreciate the term "overflow". I would prefer to think of them as human beings and sloppy seconds."

New Nickname For T's V that sprung up in the middle of the news: 'Tard Prison.


Recommendations:
[1] Teresa's Date Report-- She went out with Suitor #1 from yesterday's show, and despite saying otherwise doesn't seem so thrilled at the prospect of a 2nd go-round. Crank Yankers calls kicks the segment off (Wanda Sykes + a replay of Dave Chappelle's awesome call, although he ain't the reason why).

Caller: T, you are a type 'B' personality, you need a type 'A' personality to balance you out. Danny is a type 'A plus' personality...
Adam: So far I get 'A'-hole and 'B'itch.

[2] Lisa Lampanelli Interview-- The Queen Of Mean calls in and everyone argues up a strong case against personal happiness and fulfillment.

[3] Deborah Norville Interview-- Chosen because of another old Crank Yanker moment that begins the segment, Birchim trying to land a security guard gig.

Quote Of The Day: The You Too
I can't stand when I do this kind of thing.

John Ratzenberger (aka Cliff Clavin, booted off Dancing With The Stars, now host of Made In America) called in. As the interview began Adam accidentally told him to say "good hi" to Danny and Teresa.

Cliff: You know early in the morning you say things like that, huh? When the waitress says "Enjoy your meal" and you say "you too"...
Danny: Dude I hate that, I HATE the inappropriate you too.
Adam: Yeah, I do that in the airport... "Have a safe flight..." "YOU TOO!", to the groundsguy-- who's not going anywhere but back to his crappy apartment in Burbank?

If there's ever a Seinfeld reunion show...

Clip Recommendations--
[1] Now Walk To Work-- Adam introduces his one year old daughter to the wonders of capitalism.

[2] John Ratzenberger Interview-- A good discussion about how mechanical people are making art too.

[3] Ways To Beat A Ticket-- Callers offer some creative, unconventional advice on the subject.

[4] Screening For T's V-- Show booker Mike August offers up the first potential suitor for Teresa, who pays dearly for his interest.

[5] Crank Yankers-- Birchim the bounty hunter.

Quotes Of The Day
Adam not being funny, just giving good sound advice that I've never heard a professional therapist or psychiatrist offer, that should probably be a lot more popular--

"If you get busted cheating and the person says, 'I need to hear every gory detail of what went on intimately between you and the person you cheated with (how long, what position, where and when)'... it's over. Because whether you get another two years out of the relationship or not, those vivid details will never leave the person's head. You do NOT want that. And if they're asking for details, you should not give them details. And if you do give them the details, that means it's over, the clock is ticking."

The subject reared its head again during today's "Angel Adam, Devil Danny" segment when a caller had the dilemma of a remarried ex who wanted to cheat with him... but the catch was her husband had been in a major car accident. The Devil shot his wad early in the middle of teasing it going to commercial--

Danny: Real fast, if he's paralyzed, have sex with her right next to him.

Ah, the demonic bar is raised yet again.


Clip Recommendations:
[1] Pamela Druckerman Interview-- Author of Lust In Translation: The Rules Of Infidelity from Tokyo to Tennessee calls in for an interesting conversation about monogamy and cheating around the world.

[2] Infidelity Phone Calls 1-- Begins with Teresa shocking everybody when she says she's cheated in every relationship she's been in. Adam easily adjusts this new tidbit to fit right into her psychological profile.

[3] Infidelity Phone Calls 2

[4] Infidelity Phone Calls 3-- A three year old busts his mom. C blocker.

Quote Of The Day
For the Music Monday segment Teresa chose "If You Leave" as one of the songs she would want to hear at her prom (shockingly she didn't go to hers despite wanting to very badly). The song led into a discussion about Pretty In Pink, which in turn led to much laughter about how one in every three movies in the 80s was about some teenage girl being ostracized and declared off limits by her pursuer's jock buddies because she's not rich or "from the right side of the tracks". Bonaduce deftly reestablished the reality and strict social order of high school humping--

Danny: She doesn't have to be from the wrong side of the tracks, she could actually be laying ON the tracks with the train coming and if you have time to finish, she's from the right side of the tracks.


Clip Recommendations:
[1] Mother's Day Recap-- Adam and Danny recount the pain of yesterday . Also a good rant somewhere in the middle about the devaluation of gift certificates. Then some talk about the sad state of having someone in your family that you have to get gifts for that is among the "constant disappointment people"-- sheesh, I actually think I'm one of them. I know my father is, last Christmas I got him a new tv and his reaction was much like Carolla's description of his dad's gung ho reaction.
[2] Mom Horror Stories-- Hey, your mom might be bad...but at least she didn't BITE you.
[3] Music Monday-- Listen to the full 80s school class warfare spiel here, located about a third of the way in I believe. Adam had much to add.

Quote Of The Day

Adam, Teresa, and Danny all brought in their most horrific reviews they've received from critics so we all could laugh at them. When reviewing The Man Show in 1999, Tom Shales had this piece of constructive observation for Carolla:

"He looks like he's reached the third or fourth plateau in poor Larry Talbot's transformation into a werewolf."


Clip Recommendations:
[1] Adam's Mother's Day Dilemma-- Lordy, us men are just the worst at giving any kind of gift that requires self-sacrifice.
[2] Booking For T's V-- Jimmy Kimmel's been hanging out with Howard Stern too long to be able to come up with this idea. Unlike Stern however he softened it up to actually interest Teresa, instead of making it more disgusting and offering her a heaping pile of cash.

Quote Of The Day
America's favorite honky Wayne Brady came into the studio for an interview. As they talked expensive cars, Wayne said he was thinking of buying a Maserati Quattroporte.

Adam: Quattroporte is one of those names that sounds good to us-- in Italian it means "four holes"... Just like the Chupakapra sounds cool here but it just means "goat sucker" in Spanish.
Wayne: Which would be a cool car name.
Adam: The Maserati Goatsucker...


Clip Recommendations--
[1] News Segment 1-- leaked new Guns N' Roses music toward the end. Expect the finished produced somewhere around 2111.

Quote Of The Day: At Least Somebody's Fooled
Tranny Caller: I'm what you call, stealth? Which means that people don't know that I'm a transsexual because it's not any of their business, but...
Adam: Right... "stealth" means YOU don't know people know you're a transsexual.


Wooh, great show.

Clip Recommendations:
[1] Huell Howser Hits His Boredom Limit!-- In the middle of his oddyssey through some insane woman's "bunny museum", even Huell cannot sustain any interest. Teresa summed it up best: "I have learned that the line between shut-in and curator is very blurry."

[2] Dr. Alter Segment 2-- I've never been a fan of Dr. Alter interviews, but today's discussion of transsexuality was rather enlightening. Around seven minutes in Adam and Co. get going.

[3] Burning Bonaduce-- Danny relates his and his family's having to be evacuated from their home last night because of the latest California wildfire.

Hmm, no quotes today. Nothing that caught my fancy, anyway.

Clip Recommendations:
[1] News Segment 1 -My favorite Danny story, much different than most he's told-- Bonaduce arrested for...skipping?

Quote Of The Day
Danny: There's a ton of messages while I was gone from my divorce lawyer, who I like saying his name cause he'll charge me less, so Adam Sax, he's been advertising it...
Adam: My new porn name, by the way.

Once again, spelled differently.


Clip Recommendations:
[1] News Segment 1-- Around six minutes in and after listening to the new drunken David Hasslehoff video taken from his daughter's camera phone, Adam devises a way for celebrities to protect their privacy from their children.
[2] Drunken Vomit Stories-- No drunkeness or vomit by around 9:20 of this clip, where Adam tells a story about borrowing his sister's piece of S Dodge Dart. I may be biased however, since my father drove one until the day he retired.
[3] Ozzy And Ray's Spiderman 3 Review-- Adam rants a little about the nerdification of America.

Remote Control: San Diego Cinco De Mayo Celebration
Live remotes might be slightly more horrible than Best Ofs, I'm not sure. Get back to me on that.

The show is never on the top of his game for them. I don't know if that's because they don't enjoy them that much, the partying crowd is too distracting, not being in their comfortable 2nd home in the studio, the time difference... Egh, that said, this one had some moments.
Earlier on there was a Bonaduce-Off, since Danny was absent due to his having to attend a funeral in Philly. The guy who won, Doug, was hit-and-miss with his improv and impersonation, but overall you'd have to say he was a lot funnier than most regular people who find themselves on the radio.

So much so that at the end of the show they did a regular segment with him, "Angel Adam, Fake Devil Danny". While overall he wasn't near an approximation of everyone's favorite redheaded Satan, he did come up with a demonic nugget for a man who wanted advice about cheating on his wife--

Fake Danny: Here's what you want to do... I hooked up once with Marcia Brady it was some of the best fun I ever had. I want you to drive up to L.A., find Marcia Brady, take your ring, melt it into a bullet, shoot your wife, and then have a threesome.

Hmm. On second pass if he meant a threesome with his dead wife's corpse, well, move over Satan, there's a new Beezelbub [?] in town.

Clip Reccommendations--
[1] Dave Chappelle And Home Improvement -- Opens with a clip of Dave Chappelle guesting on Crank Yankers posing as a member of the Wu Tang Clan trying to book the posse at this poor old lady's Bed & Breakfast. After that take a listen to the 2nd worst radio bit in morning show history, freakin home improvement questions.

MAYBE I could understand if they did the segment at the very end or start of the show... but always around the morning rush??? My inner program director would've put the kibosh on this months ago. Even Huell Howser falls asleep.

As if that wasn't bad enough....whose bright idea was to whip it out in the middle of a Cinco De Mayo rager??

I hear Bob Villa is doing one of his upcoming shows at a rave.

[2] Ray's Story -- Adam prefaced his buddy's tale by saying it's the most disgusting, degrading, debasing thing you'll ever hear... and I think he might be right. Starts a little ways in after an interview via cellphone craps out to fill time. Concludes here at the beginning of the second news segment.

[3] The Bonaduce-Off

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Quote Of The Day
Joel McHale dropped by to bust his Soup clips. Adam rags on him because of his extraordinarily colorful footwear. He was stupified this week that Joel somehow upped the ante, as was everybody else--

Teresa: It looks like the cable went out on your shoes.

Adam called it "the first shoe made specifically for manning a gloryhole".

Clip Reccommendations:
[1] Joel McHale Segment 1-- Shoe gayness and a good Billy Baldwin rant, and some interesting TV clips in audio;
[2] Joel McHale Segment 3-- Adam discusses his plan to deal with people who watch Lifetime movies (don't worry, you're safe Grandma), hear the nutjob a-hole behind Springer, and get a taste of the next new reality tv star, currently hosting Atlanta's Vagina Power on cable access.

Quote Of The Day
Danny: Because I will tell you... and it's one of my favorite things I've ever heard... "there's no pain like chick pain", nothing hurts like a broken heart.
Adam: I thought you meant a Brazilian wax.

Invention Of The Day
Adam is known for his many inventions. Another one came to him during the second news segment, as Teresa was talking about Courtney Love's latest post on her website--

Adam: And the good news is too she has a computer that has a program in it called WordSlurfick. She can actually slur on the computer. Most people can't sound drunk on the computer...as high as Bonaduce gets his computer still can do the spell check and figure things out.

He then modified his idea so that it will work the other way as well, aka translate drunken speech into coherence. Of course Danny fell in love with the project. He said when he was writing his autobiography he drank while he used voice recognition software to get it down, and when the computer could no longer understand him after a few that's when he had to call it a day.


I know he only got 1 percent of the vote, but I thought Eddie Griffin should've won the Outbook August competition. Not because he was such a great catch-- I just loved how he busted every conspiracy theory on the planet and then said how ridiculous it was how some suspected he crashed that fancy car in that race to get free publicity for Redline.

The ratings are up! Looks like Adam will be a morning fixture for some time to come.

Clip Recommendations:
[1] Angel Adam, Devil Danny-- One of my favorites, the bit Bonaduce was born to play.
[2] Crazy Dreams-- Towards the end is why, a little after Danny shares some of his divorce pain. Bear rapes and Adam's tranny fantasies.

Quote Of The Day
Adam (to himself): Hold on...Mental note, do not praise yourself out loud... Hold on, mental note... learn how to do a mental note.

Guest: Adam Carolla
Adam played highlighted outtakes of his great interview on Stern he did when he was in New York. In Part 1 he discussed how he used his skills as a boxing trainer to break into radio via Jimmy Kimmel.

Howard: You mean after hanging out with Jimmy, you said, "Gee if he can do it, I can do it."
Adam: No no, I said if he can do it, ANYONE can do it.



Reccommended Daily Show Clips:
In the beginning of the second news segment Adam gets into another one of my pet peeves about movies set in the future.

Highlights And commentary about his Howard Stern interview, Part 1 and Part 2

Before the first news segment Adam dreams of being on the other side of the language barrier and why the grass is greener over there.

Alright, one highlight. From an interview that just didn't occur freakin days ago.

Jon Heder (Napoleon Dynomite) called in a couple weeks before Blades Of Glory was released. Adam remarked about meeting his brother backstage at Kimmel and how he seemed to be "disgruntled" with all of his sibling's success. They're twins.

Adam gave the jealous brother the key to heal his world:

"Look, if my sister was ten times more successful to me I'd be disgruntled... but if we were twins and she was ten times more successful than me I'd kill her and take her place."

To Best Of Or Not To Best Of
I decided not to blogaroo today, being that it was a "best of" show. To be honest hearing the promo that it was going to be all interviews turned me off. As a rule they're usually not my favorite segments.

Besides, "Best Of" material usually doesn't coincide with what I consider highlights anyway. Most of the time those shows have lineups like today's-- a focus on big names, big happenings on a show.

I usually prefer the little stories and details.

Today was the odd day anyway where I didn't have the usual morning free. I might do a "Best Of" Adam myself on repeats. Not sure.

Egh, I listened a little toward the show and Adam was still makin some good stuff.

Kimmelisms
Jimmy Kimmel guest hosted today while Adam was in New York. I decided I won't be sharing any highlights of the show. I like Jimmy, I thought he did a fine enough job, it just feels like I'd be cheating on my man. At least with this blog in such the early stages. Maybe next time.

Meanwhile Adam vs. Stern 2 was taking place in the ol' NYC, and according to many message boarders monstrous hilarity ensued. Here's my favorite part of the segment summary, complete with a Kimmel tie-in (Thanks to MarksFriggin.com):

Howard asked Adam if Danny has threatened to kick his ass and if he thinks he could beat him. Adam said he thinks that he could beat Danny. He said Danny can't lift his foot off the ground because he wears those skin-tight women's jeans with the cowboy boots. He said he has to carry Danny up the stairs every morning. Howard asked Adam if Jimmy Kimmel is still producing his show. Adam laughed and said that Jimmy gets paid a million bucks a year to insult him. He said his title should be ''Insultant'' and not Consultant.

Howard K. Stern vs. Larry Berkhead, No Holds Barred
As things kicked off Adam read off today's guest list: Ultimate Fighting Champion "Ice Man" Chuck Widdell, and the kid from Webster, the fully grown yet still midget-like Emmanuel Lewis. In a joke referring to his upcoming fight with 65 year old Robert Shapiro, Danny announced he was also going to take on Emmanuel in the Octagon.

A vision came to me, the next Big Idea for reality tv: Celebrity Ultimate Fighting.

Adam: Emmanuel's not here yet... oh he is here?
Danny: He just walked under the window, right there.
Teresa(disappointedly): Danny...
Adam: Well hold on a second, let's be fair... Danny doesn't get to make a whole lot of short jokes that don't have him as the punchline.


Guest: Emmanuel Lewis
While discussing greedy child star parentals--
Teresa: Emmanuel, you're still on good terms with your parents?
Emmanuel: Absolutely...(laughs) You say that as if you're not supposed to be on good terms...
Danny: We're supposed to be, but nobody is. Adam's were lazy, Mine beat me, Teresa's abandoned her...
Adam: To be fair to my parents, I'd like to think they would've beaten me if they weren't so apathetic about their kids. I think my dad would make the announcement once or twice a week, "I'M GONNA BEAT THE... eghhhhhhh...let's watch the rest of Maude."

As always Emmanuel furiously denied Michael Jackson attempted anything weird with him when they were close pals in the 80s.

Adam: Jimmy Kimmel told me he confronted his priest growing up... angry that he WASN'T molested. He wanted to know why... "Am I not hot enough???" "Am I not cute enough???"

He suggested Emmanuel do the same with Michael, you know, for closure's sake.


Side "Jobs"
News segment 1, the Alec Baldwin debacle was T's first story --

Teresa: Now Dr. Phil has commented, and he seems to be blaming...
Adam: That's my porn name by the way. I spell it differently.


More News Porn
In the second news segment of the day Teresa brought up an article about the most popular surnames in the world. The crew tried to guess #1 and kicked themselves when it was revealed: Wang. Looks like everyone's getting their morning shock jock licenses revoked.

Teresa: 93 million Wangs.
Adam: I rented that movie this weekend.

Nice save.

Show Clips: Hey, it's a Bonaduce haters' dream-- pictures of him getting punched in the head by Chuck Liddel!